I agree john mulaney is probably an immortal akin to beings such as keanu reeves and jeff goldblum but he’s like a new born baby immortal who is looking at the long long expanse of a lifetime he has in front of him and is already tired
jeff golblum is thousands of years old and loving it. john mulaney was born in 1901 and ever since 1924 it’s gone downhill for him
So to be clear, the immortal timeline seems to be:
John Mulaney - early 20th century
Eric Andre - Probably 17th century or so.
Taika Waititi - Elizabethan age, probably hung out with Shakespeare
Keanu Reeves - We think sometime around Alexander the Great, but he seems to have just sprung up fully formed.
Jeff Goldblum - 100% Biblical times, may or may not be King Solomon.
Tommy Wiseau - Indeterminate, may be the first Homo Sapiens.
this is david lynch erasure
Who are the female immortals?
Jenny Slate - Jazz Age Darling, bffs with Alice Roosevelt
Helena Bonham Carter - Refused an invitation to dine with Queen Victoria based on her treatment of the Irish
Lucy Liu - ran away from home to join Ching Shih, 19th century Pirate Queen’s crew. Was considered too soft for fighting and was given an accordion
Bjork - 14th century Icelandic healer accused of witchcraft, also possibly a selkie
Whoopie Goldberg - present during the Conquest of Constantinople but don’t bring it up around her, it’s too fresh in her mind
Tilda Swinton - found sleeping in a peat bog. Carbon dating inconclusive
me walking into the grocery store to buy everything bagels
Hohoho! I like this post! If I made it i would have written ginger ale instead of everything bagels but that’s fine that you wanted to make a post about bagels instead of ginger ale this time around I get it
me going back to the grocery store because i forgot ginger ale
Hohoho! What a great post friend! I love the part about ginger ale!!!
1. There are several ways to classify the large cats, one of the more useful ones is into the roaring cats (tigers, lions) and the purring cats (bobcats, lynxes). The puma (also known as the mountain lion) is the largest cat that purrs. I’ve heard it up close, it’s amazing. A cheetah’s purr sounds like an idling motorcycle engine.
2. Kangaroos cannot move their legs independently of each other, they have to move them in sync - when they’re on land. When they’re swimming, they can move them separately. Hopping is their most efficient way to move - a walking kangaroo is awkward as hell. They swing both legs forward using their tail as a third leg to prop up while their legs swing.
3. People often think that flamingoes’ knees bend the wrong way. They don’t - the joint you’re seeing in the middle of their leg isn’t their knee, it’s their ankle. Their knee is up by their body, and it bends the same way ours does.
4. Giraffes only sleep 1-2 hours a day.
5. Bald eagles’ vocalizations are not what you expect. When you see a flying bald eagle in the movies and hear that majestic caw sound? That isn’t an eagle, it’s been dubbed over with another bird, usually a red-tailed hawk. Bald eagles actually sound…not majestic. Kind of like if a kitten could be a bird.
6. Elephants are one of only a handful of animals that can pass the mirror test - in other words, they can recognize their own reflection (and not think it’s another animal, as dogs and cats usually do). They tested this by placing a chalk mark on an elephant’s forehead and then showing it a mirror. The elephant investigated the mark on its own forehead, indicating it knew that it was looking at itself. The only animals that pass this test are the higher primates, the higher cetaceans (orcas, dolphines), elephants, and weirdly, magpies.
7. One-fifth of all the known mammal species are bats.
8. A kangaroo mother can have three joeys simultaneously at different stages of development: an embryo in her womb (kangaroos can do what’s called embryonic diapause which means sort of putting the development on pause until she’s ready for it to develop further), a joey in her pouch attached to one nipple, and a joey out of the pouch on the ground who nurses from the other one. The amazing thing? Each of her nipples make different formulations of milk for each joey’s different nutritional needs.
9. Bonobos, our closest genetic relative (they are more closely related to us than they are to either chimps or gorillas) are almost entirely non-aggressive, matriarchal, and use sex to solve all their problems. They engage in both same and opposite sex interactions, non-penetrative sex (oral, rubbing, manual) and with any age. That’s an interesting area to work in, lemme tell you.
10. Tortoises have super loud sex. Like, really loud.
11. All grizzlies are brown bears, but not all brown bears are grizzlies (grizzlies are a sub-categorization of the brown bear).
12. Reindeer are the only deer species where both males and females grow antlers. The males shed theirs the beginning of December, the females shed theirs in the spring. So all of Santa’s reindeer are girls, heh. I love telling little kids that.
13. If a rhinoceros knocks off its horn, it grows back faster than you’d expect. One of ours, Rosie, has knocked hers off twice.
14. Gorillas get crushes on each other. And on the humans that take care of them. Male gorillas also masturbate. I don’t know if the females do, I’ve never seen it. Sometimes it’s like a soap opera up in there.
15. Langur monkeys are silvery-gray in color - their babies are bright orange. Like Cheeto orange, I do not exaggerate.
16. Polar bear fur is not white, it’s transparent, like fiber optics. Also, their skin is black.
This is all excellent and awesome and I am a happier, better person for this knowledge.
